Glenn Beck is Cool

Television news demands maximum clownage in its neverending quest for ratings. Talk show host Glenn Beck has proven to the task. He can mug it up and pontificate at the drop of a hat. But a clip the other day indicated he’s a cut above the rest.

An economist was explaining why the economy was going in the tank. Midway through his presentation, he took a couple steps back and appeared woozy on his feet. “Passing out . . .” he muttered.

“Passing out? Really? You’re passing out?” Glenn asked.

“Ah . . . passing out . . .” The economist’s face turned yellow.

“Passing out? Are you sure? You’re passing out?” Glenn confirmed.

“Passing . . .” He staggered and slumped to the floor.

A lesser man would’ve panicked and cut to a commercial. Glenn Beck stayed with his guest. Cool as a cucumber, he reached out to cushion the poor man’s fall.

Glenn Beck took command at a moment of crisis. Glenn Beck is cool.

American History Exam

American president Abraham Lincoln:
a) freed the slaves and saved the Union
b) founded the Log Cabin Republicans
c) was mistaken for a Muslim and tortured because he wore a beard
d) suffered from a severe case of penis envy

American president Woodrow Wilson:
a) gave a sugar candy cane to every white child he met
b) made the world safe for democracy
c) was a close friend of labor leader Eugene Debs
d) produced a miracle cure for the Spanish Flu epidemic

American president Franklin Delano Roosevelt
a) zipped around the White House in a rocket powered wheelchair
b) was a staunch supporter of the Gold Standard
c) rescued the economy from the Great Depression
d) won the Nobel Prize for the Tuskegee Experiment

American president John F Kennedy
a) was blackballed by Hollywood for being uncouth
b) anchored the family yacht at the Bay of Pigs
c) lectured Martin Luther King on marital fidelity
d) led Americans to victory during the Cuban Missile Crisis

American president Lyndon Johnson
a) ushered in the era of The Great Society
b) opposed the use of chemical weapons in Vietnam
c) conducted a thorough investigation into the JFK assassination
d) was considered a brilliant military strategist

American president Richard Nixon
a) sent Christmas cards to everyone on his enemies list
b) was feted by the NAACP for promoting civil rights
c) opened the door to China with statesman Henry Kissinger
d) was completely sane and rational at all times

American president Jimmy Carter
a) instructed Americans to turn up the heat in winter
b) brought peace to the Middle East with the Camp David Accords
c) recorded the hit single: I Can’t Drive Fifty-Five
d) built a nuclear reactor in his back yard

American president Ronald Reagan
a) taught Paul Newman his chops at the Actors Studio
b) conducted weekly séances in the Oval Office
c) is considered a national hero in Nicaragua
d) defeated the Soviet Union

American president Bill Clinton
a) led Americans to victory at the Battle of Waco
b) balanced the federal budget
c) was impeached by Congress for stroking teenage boys
d) airlifted medical supplies to Iraqi children

American president George W Bush
a) serenaded Katrina victims with Kum-Ba-Ya
b) was lauded by janitors for No Child Left Behind
c) brought freedom and democracy to the people of Iraq
d) carried on a sizzling affair with Gloria Steinem

Score
0 – Absolute Moron
1-3 – Somewhat Retarded
4-6 – Average Nitwit
7-9 – Dude, You’re Getting There
10 – Absolute Excellence

Correct Answers: a, b, c, d, a, c, b, d, b, c

Will Flunk

The regents were at their wit’s end. Professor Willard Flunk was refusing to play ball. He was flunking too many of his students.

Lectures and admonitions were to no avail. There was no one else in his specialty. In desperation, they gave him his tenure in the hope he’d see the light.

It didn’t work. Flunk kept on flunking his students.

Parents were outraged. How could they shell out all this tuition for junior to get a failing grade? A college diploma was a de rigueur stepping stone for success in the job market, they huffed.

It wasn’t that Flunk was arbitrary. He always flunked for good reason. If a student plagiarized a paper or skipped class, he was flunked. The Professor did bestow gentlemen’s “C’s” and even a couple “A’s.” It was just that he flunked with abandon, sometimes half the class.

The regents were beside themselves. Parents were threatening to pull their kids out, or, even worse, suspend contributions to the alumni fund. They finally resolved to ship the Professor on a year long sabbatical to Borneo.

Things were fine until the natives grew tired of Flunk’s pontificating. After he flunked several villagers, for what we’ll never know, they strapped him to a sturdy canoe and shipped him right back.

Immediately upon his return to the university, he started flunking his students. He even re-flunked some who had previously been flunked.

By now the regents were convinced that Flunk had mental illness. They sent him to a shrink, figuring shock therapy and psyco-meds would do the trick. That plan backfired when Flunk flunked the psychiatrist.