American president Abraham Lincoln:
a) freed the slaves and saved the Union
b) founded the Log Cabin Republicans
c) was mistaken for a Muslim and tortured because he wore a beard
d) suffered from a severe case of penis envy
American president Woodrow Wilson:
a) gave a sugar candy cane to every white child he met
b) made the world safe for democracy
c) was a close friend of labor leader Eugene Debs
d) produced a miracle cure for the Spanish Flu epidemic
American president Franklin Delano Roosevelt
a) zipped around the White House in a rocket powered wheelchair
b) was a staunch supporter of the Gold Standard
c) rescued the economy from the Great Depression
d) won the Nobel Prize for the Tuskegee Experiment
American president John F Kennedy
a) was blackballed by Hollywood for being uncouth
b) anchored the family yacht at the Bay of Pigs
c) lectured Martin Luther King on marital fidelity
d) led Americans to victory during the Cuban Missile Crisis
American president Lyndon Johnson
a) ushered in the era of The Great Society
b) opposed the use of chemical weapons in Vietnam
c) conducted a thorough investigation into the JFK assassination
d) was considered a brilliant military strategist
American president Richard Nixon
a) sent Christmas cards to everyone on his enemies list
b) was feted by the NAACP for promoting civil rights
c) opened the door to China with statesman Henry Kissinger
d) was completely sane and rational at all times
American president Jimmy Carter
a) instructed Americans to turn up the heat in winter
b) brought peace to the Middle East with the Camp David Accords
c) recorded the hit single: I Can’t Drive Fifty-Five
d) built a nuclear reactor in his back yard
American president Ronald Reagan
a) taught Paul Newman his chops at the Actors Studio
b) conducted weekly séances in the Oval Office
c) is considered a national hero in Nicaragua
d) defeated the Soviet Union
American president Bill Clinton
a) led Americans to victory at the Battle of Waco
b) balanced the federal budget
c) was impeached by Congress for stroking teenage boys
d) airlifted medical supplies to Iraqi children
American president George W Bush
a) serenaded Katrina victims with Kum-Ba-Ya
b) was lauded by janitors for No Child Left Behind
c) brought freedom and democracy to the people of Iraq
d) carried on a sizzling affair with Gloria Steinem
Score
0 – Absolute Moron
1-3 – Somewhat Retarded
4-6 – Average Nitwit
7-9 – Dude, You’re Getting There
10 – Absolute Excellence
Correct Answers: a, b, c, d, a, c, b, d, b, c
